Oh wow...

so I realise I haven't posted a blog in a very very long time...I guess it really just, slipped my mind.

=\ So I suppose updates of my life are in order really?
Well...unfortunately my mummy passed away. She died at about 11.15pm on Sunday 28th June 2009. We got a phone call at 11 o clock from the Hospital saying that we should get to the hospital because my mum is panicing and really not doing good.
So my dad sped down the perimeter road (there was a STUPID driver on the road and if it wasn't for him we may have been there on time Grr) but we got to the hospital 5 minutes too late.
My uncle was there with her, holding her hand. I think that's what she wanted to be honest. Her brother lives in New Zealand and he had come over for a visit with his girlfriend, and was due to leave on July 11th. I think my mum just wanted her brother there, and when he was...she let go. A 7 year fight with a very aggressive form of cancer, I can't blame her.
I miss her so much of course, but in a way i'm glad she died when she did. I don't think I could have dealt with seeing my mum dis-integrate. She still had her dignity pretty much. In a way I wanted to be there when it happened, but i'm not sure how I would have coped. It took me about 5-10 minutes for it to sink in as I just sat and looked at her laying in the bed. My uncle still didn't let go of her hand until my Nan and mum's sister arrived half an hour later. The nurses fucked me off though.
They were complaining about the amount of people that were in my rooms hospital room.

My mother had just died... what did they want from us?
Her husband, her daughter, her mother, her brother and sister, her brother and sisters partners, her cousin (who had been there through a lot of the things that happened, it was only fair she was there), my dads brother.
All close family. Did they want us to stay home? Not come and see her to say goodbye?


It's not a nice thought...but my mum died just after the nurse hung up the phone to my dad. My dad seems to think my mum heard the nurse asking for me and my dad to come, and that's when she gave up the fight. He said he thinks mam didn't want me there went she went. It's...a nice thought in a way but I still would have wanted to say goodbye properly.
I had seen her the day before, when she really wasn't doing too good but I definately did not expect her to go the next day.
I thought she had another month left. I'd planned on visiting her on Monday after school with a friend of mine who'd known my family since we were both 4 years old. She was close to my mum and the local Vicar was giving her updates on my mum in church (the Vicar visited my mum often in hospital. He felt a close bond to her because of how much she had fought. Every single Sunday they prayed for my mum in Church. =]). I told my mum I loved her, which i'm happy is the last thing I said to her. But I still would have liked to hold her hand and say I love you and goodbye to her. Properly. Knowing it would be goodbye, so it would have meant something else to me.
My mind is wandering now, and nothings really coming out properly anymore.
I should wrap this up...I just wanted to write a blog about my mum cause i've barely talked about my mum at all since she died. I guess it's just not something I feel the need to talk about. You can't really bring it up in conversation, can you?

Well. I should go finish doing what i'm supposed to be doing (I started a Photography course, didn't do too good in my AS Levels).

RIP Mummy <3 x