never hurt anyone! =]
I don't know why I just cryed. But I feel better now. :)
I've had a pretty stressful week so I guess it's just built up and flowed out.
I hate how people bitch about people crying. It's a natural thing. It's ok to cry. Crying is good. :)
Ohwell. Just thought i'd update. I start 6th form in 2 days. Did ok in GCSE's.
Yeh.
Seeya.x
Saturday 30 August 2008
Sunday 17 August 2008
Dreams
I'm in a strange sorta mood day.
I got back from Hunstanton this afternoon. It's nice there.
Strange though.
But yeh.
Things are really weird for me at the moment. I feel asif i'm living a lie.
The person I am at the moment, isn't the person I want to be.
Why is it, the things I desperately wish for, the things I want more than anything else in the world, are they things that i'm least likely to ever get. There are people out there, who never have to work for anything, and they get everything they ever wanted.
I don't always try my best, i'll admit that. But I do try. I try alot harder than alot of the people I meet.
Things are difficult for me. I'm not intelligent. Yes, I have common sense and I can figure things out. But I come across people who just make me feel like some hillybilly who's never been to school. I see Chavs walking down the road, talking like fucking 3 year olds. They've had the opportunity to be educated. They've got a home and they've got the potential to be something, someone.
I wish I had the potential to be something.
I've never had any natural talents, and i've never been intelligent. I've not got alot of money, or a supportive family. Yet I try. I've always tryed. I've always to make something of myself, yet these people who've never lifted a finger manage to live happy lives, while i'm sat here thinking what the HELL i'm going to do when I get my exam results on Thursday.
I know i've failed. I'm not intelligent. I'm not creative or talented, and I had no support from my family or my friends.
The people in all my classes through my years of growing up, all the children around me. They're all talented or clever. Or both. There are the ones who can sing, paint, dance, act. The ones who can figure out any equation, who can memorise the periodic symbols, the ones who can write a story in 10 minutes, the ones who can stand infront of the class and read from the book without being nervous.
I've never been able to do that. And because of that I was cast away.
People wonder why I don't have any confidence. Why I don't believe in myself.
I've always been told i'm useless. I've always been told I don't have any talents, and i'm not pretty.
Just because that's true, doesn't mean people had to give up on me straight away.
Even my friends now laugh at me.
I don't like being put on the spot. School is something I HAD to do. I don't mind that, i'm even staying on in 6th form [if I get the grades...yeh right]. But during Maths i'd be asked something.
1. My nerves get the best of me and I can't think so I blank.
2. I'm not clever, so I can't figure things out.
So people laugh.
In English and RE, i'm asked to give my opinion on something. When I do people look at me in disgust, or like i'm stupid. Just because I think differently to other people.
I don't really know where this blog is going. I just need to write things down.
I miss being carefree.
Now as i'm older. I've officially left school. People expect me to be able to make my own way. They don't expect me to be some little self-concious child still.
At heart, i'm still the most fragile person you could ever meet.
I tell people i'm ok. People think nothing affects me, nothing can get to me.
Never being told 'well done' when i've done something good. Never being told 'you like nice' when i've made an effort. Always being shot down, just because someone did something better. ALL through my life that has happened. And it takes it toll when you're older.
I've known nothing else. So how do people expect me to suddenly be confident now i'm 'an adult'.
All the way through school. I've tried.
I've tried to be a creative person. No matter how hard something was i'd try and do it. I tried to paint or write a poem, and even if I was happy with what i'd done, nobody else was. Nobody was ever proud of me. Nobody ever said well done to me when i'd achieved something.
I'd come home from school and try and tell my parents I wrote a story at school, and they'd go yeah cool and walk off. It's still the same now.
My Dad doesn't want anything to do with my school work. My Mum says she does but when I try and tell her stuff she tells me to fuck off and starts screaming at me.
I keep everything inside. And every now and then I cry.
Usually over the stupidest things too. The other day I cryed because I couldn't go to a concert.
My parents want me to talk to them about things. I tried to talk to my Mum the other day, and tell her how much music means to me. All she did was tell me to fuck off, and started screaming at me.
I try and talk to my friends, but they just think i'm being fucking stupid.
This blogs gone off track now. I have so much stuff I want to write down. But I just cna't think how to write anything.
I feel so lonely.
I've never met anyone like me.
There was a time when I thought I was unique. I thought 'Yeah. I suck at talking to people, and alot of people don't like me. But I could find someone who likes me for me, cause i'm different.'
Now everyone likes the things I like. Now its cool to like Vampires. It's cool to listen to Rock music. It's cool to like things that aren't cool.
And I feel like an outcast in my own little world.
And I have nobody to help me.
My friends say 'You can talk to us. We love you'
They don't even know me.
They get angry with me when I try and be myself.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm running out of options. I'm running out of strength, I can feel myself becoming weaker. I've been shaking writing this. I'm not cold.
I want someone to realise that i'm not ok. And I want someone to help me.
But nobody will.
Nobody ever has.
I got back from Hunstanton this afternoon. It's nice there.
Strange though.
But yeh.
Things are really weird for me at the moment. I feel asif i'm living a lie.
The person I am at the moment, isn't the person I want to be.
Why is it, the things I desperately wish for, the things I want more than anything else in the world, are they things that i'm least likely to ever get. There are people out there, who never have to work for anything, and they get everything they ever wanted.
I don't always try my best, i'll admit that. But I do try. I try alot harder than alot of the people I meet.
Things are difficult for me. I'm not intelligent. Yes, I have common sense and I can figure things out. But I come across people who just make me feel like some hillybilly who's never been to school. I see Chavs walking down the road, talking like fucking 3 year olds. They've had the opportunity to be educated. They've got a home and they've got the potential to be something, someone.
I wish I had the potential to be something.
I've never had any natural talents, and i've never been intelligent. I've not got alot of money, or a supportive family. Yet I try. I've always tryed. I've always to make something of myself, yet these people who've never lifted a finger manage to live happy lives, while i'm sat here thinking what the HELL i'm going to do when I get my exam results on Thursday.
I know i've failed. I'm not intelligent. I'm not creative or talented, and I had no support from my family or my friends.
The people in all my classes through my years of growing up, all the children around me. They're all talented or clever. Or both. There are the ones who can sing, paint, dance, act. The ones who can figure out any equation, who can memorise the periodic symbols, the ones who can write a story in 10 minutes, the ones who can stand infront of the class and read from the book without being nervous.
I've never been able to do that. And because of that I was cast away.
People wonder why I don't have any confidence. Why I don't believe in myself.
I've always been told i'm useless. I've always been told I don't have any talents, and i'm not pretty.
Just because that's true, doesn't mean people had to give up on me straight away.
Even my friends now laugh at me.
I don't like being put on the spot. School is something I HAD to do. I don't mind that, i'm even staying on in 6th form [if I get the grades...yeh right]. But during Maths i'd be asked something.
1. My nerves get the best of me and I can't think so I blank.
2. I'm not clever, so I can't figure things out.
So people laugh.
In English and RE, i'm asked to give my opinion on something. When I do people look at me in disgust, or like i'm stupid. Just because I think differently to other people.
I don't really know where this blog is going. I just need to write things down.
I miss being carefree.
Now as i'm older. I've officially left school. People expect me to be able to make my own way. They don't expect me to be some little self-concious child still.
At heart, i'm still the most fragile person you could ever meet.
I tell people i'm ok. People think nothing affects me, nothing can get to me.
Never being told 'well done' when i've done something good. Never being told 'you like nice' when i've made an effort. Always being shot down, just because someone did something better. ALL through my life that has happened. And it takes it toll when you're older.
I've known nothing else. So how do people expect me to suddenly be confident now i'm 'an adult'.
All the way through school. I've tried.
I've tried to be a creative person. No matter how hard something was i'd try and do it. I tried to paint or write a poem, and even if I was happy with what i'd done, nobody else was. Nobody was ever proud of me. Nobody ever said well done to me when i'd achieved something.
I'd come home from school and try and tell my parents I wrote a story at school, and they'd go yeah cool and walk off. It's still the same now.
My Dad doesn't want anything to do with my school work. My Mum says she does but when I try and tell her stuff she tells me to fuck off and starts screaming at me.
I keep everything inside. And every now and then I cry.
Usually over the stupidest things too. The other day I cryed because I couldn't go to a concert.
My parents want me to talk to them about things. I tried to talk to my Mum the other day, and tell her how much music means to me. All she did was tell me to fuck off, and started screaming at me.
I try and talk to my friends, but they just think i'm being fucking stupid.
This blogs gone off track now. I have so much stuff I want to write down. But I just cna't think how to write anything.
I feel so lonely.
I've never met anyone like me.
There was a time when I thought I was unique. I thought 'Yeah. I suck at talking to people, and alot of people don't like me. But I could find someone who likes me for me, cause i'm different.'
Now everyone likes the things I like. Now its cool to like Vampires. It's cool to listen to Rock music. It's cool to like things that aren't cool.
And I feel like an outcast in my own little world.
And I have nobody to help me.
My friends say 'You can talk to us. We love you'
They don't even know me.
They get angry with me when I try and be myself.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm running out of options. I'm running out of strength, I can feel myself becoming weaker. I've been shaking writing this. I'm not cold.
I want someone to realise that i'm not ok. And I want someone to help me.
But nobody will.
Nobody ever has.
Wednesday 6 August 2008
I'm not dead!
I just haven't had the urge to post anything recently.
Yesterday, I did lotsalotsa work. My Uncle owns a marketing consulting thingy company called Spring Thinking. And he has like. 300 companies that he needed to put into his database. So being a boring computer whizz, he asked me to help him out. Didn't manage to add them all yesterday though, even though I was there from 7am until 4.30pm working non-stop. Ok...I had a 20 minute break but you know, barely counts!
In other news! I've been doing alot of work on my fansites. Because, I have no life.
Yes. It's true. There's 2 for Lostprophets, though I co-own one of them with 3 other people.
I also have been doing some work on my Cancer Support site, Fxck Cancer.
Alot of people take that the wrong way. By Fxck Cancer I mean, 'Fuck it, it can't beat us!' Not 'who cares about it, fuck it!'.
I'm actually meant to be tidying my room right now, but you know, blogs are more interesting. haha
I was listening to Aiden earlier. They really did save my life. I love that band so much.
I hate how people take the piss about stuff like that.
You read Kerrang and see all the metalheads going 'Oh fucking whiney emo kids going on about how My Chemical Romance saved their lives. Blahhhhhhhhhhh'
FUCK OFF! Seriously!
I also read people saying 'I love a band, but I don't go around saying they saved my life. Wayyy too many people say that these days'
Does it matter?
Music has a power like nothing else. And if the music saves peoples lives, and makes people happy, who are they to tell them otherwise, or critise them for being happy and stuff?
People just piss me off sometimes.
I read Jamie Oliver's new blog earlier.
That man makes alot of fucking sense.
I dunno what hes doing wasting his time in a rock band lol
He's so damn intelligent, not to mention fucking talented with a paintbrush.
Yesterday, I did lotsalotsa work. My Uncle owns a marketing consulting thingy company called Spring Thinking. And he has like. 300 companies that he needed to put into his database. So being a boring computer whizz, he asked me to help him out. Didn't manage to add them all yesterday though, even though I was there from 7am until 4.30pm working non-stop. Ok...I had a 20 minute break but you know, barely counts!
In other news! I've been doing alot of work on my fansites. Because, I have no life.
Yes. It's true. There's 2 for Lostprophets, though I co-own one of them with 3 other people.
I also have been doing some work on my Cancer Support site, Fxck Cancer.
Alot of people take that the wrong way. By Fxck Cancer I mean, 'Fuck it, it can't beat us!' Not 'who cares about it, fuck it!'.
I'm actually meant to be tidying my room right now, but you know, blogs are more interesting. haha
I was listening to Aiden earlier. They really did save my life. I love that band so much.
I hate how people take the piss about stuff like that.
You read Kerrang and see all the metalheads going 'Oh fucking whiney emo kids going on about how My Chemical Romance saved their lives. Blahhhhhhhhhhh'
FUCK OFF! Seriously!
I also read people saying 'I love a band, but I don't go around saying they saved my life. Wayyy too many people say that these days'
Does it matter?
Music has a power like nothing else. And if the music saves peoples lives, and makes people happy, who are they to tell them otherwise, or critise them for being happy and stuff?
People just piss me off sometimes.
I read Jamie Oliver's new blog earlier.
That man makes alot of fucking sense.
I dunno what hes doing wasting his time in a rock band lol
He's so damn intelligent, not to mention fucking talented with a paintbrush.
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